Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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