The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize