Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
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He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
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