i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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