He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
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New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
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I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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