I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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