i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize