I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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