Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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