Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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