do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
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sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
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there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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