My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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