i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
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Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
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Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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