that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize