You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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