my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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