broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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