What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
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captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
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Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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