Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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