my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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