my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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