dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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