I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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