I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
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Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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