everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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