How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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