onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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