but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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