I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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