Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
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I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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