The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
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Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize