I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
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We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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