Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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