I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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