I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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