My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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