Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
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It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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