So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
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I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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