i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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