After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
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he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
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Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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