Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
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He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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