I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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