I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
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Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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