When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
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you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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