Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize