thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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