Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize