you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
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mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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