for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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