i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
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people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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